Sunday, 08 March 2009

  • Why i am just as dumb as a lamb

    Today God reached into my heart and spoke to me. I spent the weekend in a ladies retreat. I really didn't expect much but was excited to fellowship with my friends. I enjoy worshiping the Lord and I enjoy meeting new people. Everything was going well until the last moments of the conference.  That's when God got a hold of me. Just as a pattern in my life, God tends to get my attention, shows me myself, I get very emotional, I understand that I AM THE PROBLEM, not everyone around me. But then the feeling just floats away almost like it never happened. It happens all the time. it just leaves me. I'm praying that is not whats going to happen this time. That this would be the beginning of the rest of my life with God. Only time will tell.

    I want radical. I want to be a woman that God performs miracles through.  I want spiritual things to happen to me, I want God to use me. I want to heal people with prayer, i want God to speak to me. I want to be a vessel for God. but i feel like im in this rut, this spiritual hole. this stagnation.  Im not growing, I can't get over my own crap, I whine and complain that God doesn't speak to me. that he doesn't bless me, that i am the forgotten child. God's red-headed step child.  That consistently just gets in the way and messes things up.  It's better for me to just stay in my room and play with my toys.

    Why can't i just get over my whininess?
    why can't i be filled with joy and happiness?
    why am I so miserable all the time?
    Why can't i just be happy with what i have?
    why do i complain about everything?
    Why do i take everything so personal?
    Why do I feel so wounded all the time?
    Why am I so sensitive that people can't even talk to me or around me without me getting upset or angry? 
    Why do I talk about people?
     why can't i stop?
    When is enough enough?
    Why am I so short tempered?
    Why am I so impatient?
    Why does God love me so much?
    Why can't I feel it?

    Isaiah says, 53:6, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on his servant the sins of us all.”

    I was reminded this weekend that I am like a little lamb.  I try to get out there on my own.  experience this life for myself.  I am not listening to my shepards voice who is guiding me towards our final destination.  I want to go this way and frolic that way.. walk straight into the path of wolves out of the sight of my shepard.  where i am sure to be devored and eaten. Their purpose is to 'kill, steal, and destroy'

    but i keep prancing around and going my own way.  away from his voice and away from the herd.  My shepperd time after time comes and rescues me from the wolves and directs me back to the herd and in the right direction but sure enough i wonder off time and time and time and time again.   My sheperd, my dear shepard, with tears in his eyes comes over to me, flips me on my back.  I just stare in confusion, wiggle, try to break free, scream and hollar for help. He takes me leg and breaks it with one smooth motion. Pain shoots from my body.  Why did he do that? why would he do that to me? In the midst of my greatest pain, i stare at my shepard in confusion, in anger, and terror, but then with tears still in his eyes he takes my broken leg, he sets that bone and I have never felt more pain that in that moment. My body limp from exhaustion and agony, he takes that broken leg and he splints it. He wraps it, and then he picks my limp body up and carries me because I can no longer walk on my own.  I can no longer wander off, I am no longer in the path of wolves.  As my leg heals, my shepperd carries me on his back.  Weeks roll by and I am safe and secure in the arms of the shepperd. I am protected and watched over, and nursed back to health.  His loving arms are wrapped around me.  As my strength returns.  He gently sets me down.  He pats me on the back and encourages me to take a few steps.  I can only take a few before i run out of energy.  too tired to continue, he picks me back up and carries me a little further..

    He puts me down again and each day I go a little farther and eventually I can walk on my own once again.  But one thing is certain. I never leave my shepperd's side again. I no longer hear anything but his voice, his guidance, his direction. I follow his voice because i know that I am safe in His presence because he carried me when I could not carry myself and even though i didn't understand the pain.. He was in control and he loves me, deeply and truly, he would never let me go astray. 

    "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."  John 10: 2-5

Monday, 16 February 2009

  • 15 Minutes of Fame.. or not

    A reporter from the Clarion Ledger interviewed me the other day on "my thoughts about O'Bama and his quest to stimulate the economy and whether i thought he would succeed or not" I got to truly sit down with this woman and express my beliefs about America and it's rebellion against God.  How it doesn't matter who is in the White House, Until God is head of this country it will continue to decline. It may get better temporarily but it only temporarily. So i went on and on and eventually the reporter stopped writing. She was just listening. She contined to ask me questions about this and that. I could tell by the look in her face that she wasn't expecting those words to come out of my mouth.   She asked me what I did "i'm just a cashier in a retail store" She asked for my picture and I said. "No way hosea!" i was not dressed to have my picture in the paper. she left disappointed because she couldn't run the story without my picture which i think was silly.  now i'm wondering if i made the right decision.

    I've had a terrible week of confrontation with myself. Truths have been revealed and feelings have been hurt. Will i ever get over this superficial nonsense to be used radically by God? Why must i continue to do the same crap over and over. Why can't i just not do it? I can't grow spiritually because I'm in the way! It's really frustrating and disappointing. I do what I always do when things get bad. I'm itching to run.. I have contemplated moving several times this week. Just start over somewhere else. Everyday it looks better and better. The hard part is actually staying put and riding it out. I have run to much and for to long.  It never changes, i'm always there.. with my same old crap. my selfishness, my lack of ability to love others, my complaining bitter spirit, my drama, just in a different zip code.



Thursday, 29 January 2009

  • Currently
    Limbs And Branches
    By Jon Foreman
    your love is strong
    see related

    The Woman who knew to little.

    Recently a great man in my life made me think about my own life. (which hasn't been hard to do lately but this really struck me) I always feel like this man is talking directly to me and he is secretly a Hero and can read my mind. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! but no.. actually stay in there because everytime you teach you affect my life so i guess you can stay. like a parasite. well no actually because parasites do not bring any benefit to their host and can actually harm their host.. stay tuned for the next episode of Discovery Planet where we will learn about the different layers of the ozone.

    He compared our lives to that of a 'guitar player' but not any guitar player. the guitar players that think they are guitar players because they can play three cords and three songs. Everytime they get near a guitar they pick it up and play the same song and how it gets super annoying. They don't take the time to learn their instrument they don't spend their friday and saturday nights mastering their craft. years roll by and they can still only play those three cords and the same three songs. They are always playing the 'same old tune' never anything new.  Eventually their guitar gets put up and just becomes something they use to do or something they get out every once in awhile.   This is how christians look to the world sometime. We are singing the same old tune. We never grow spiritually. we get out our bibles everyonce in awhile and the world never sees any change. They never see any growth. We know our 'three songs' very well. we know our few scriptures very well and that is enough for us to say that yes we are a christian because we can play 'three cords'

    As I turn and look at my own guitar sitting in the corner of my room and can't help but think of how true that is for me. I go in spurts. i am very dedicated and obedient for almost three weeks and then it fizzles and then i go back to exactly the way i was. Recently my life was shook upside down by the truth. My eyes were open to my lack of love for others and my selfishness and my constant complaining and the need to tear others down so i can build myself up. I was changed after that. i was no longer the same woman!! i left that confrontation broken and devastated and sick over the person i had become. My new me was going very well for awhile but now i see her coming to the surface. I had slipped back into my old ways because of my lack of discipline to keep her subdued. (i tried to silence her with chocolate but she got out of control)  so now im back at square one. God is trying to deepen my faith and make me grow but im doing the same old thing everyday. i can't get passed them, i can't grow because i'm still a baby who needs milk and can't get onto more solid food.

    So I haave decided (well actually a friend decided for me haha) that I need accountability partner/partners. not just anyone but people who are better than me spiritually. people that can look at me and tell me the truth that are not doing the same thing as me. Honestly when he told us to get accountability partners I couldn't think of anyone to ask. Not that I think that I'm so great and everyone is beneath me but i just don't know anyone that isn't my equal. I look at the people in my life and I feel like we are all at the same level. I'm going to pray about it and wait. 

    I am off to keep the evil Amber subdued. maybe  I will try ice cream this time..   :)



Friday, 19 December 2008

  • Currently
    Over and Underneath
    By Tenth Avenue North
    by your side
    see related

    New Year Resolutions

    I'm looking forward to the new year. This year hasn't been the greatest so I'm looking forward to it being over. I do have a confession.. With my newly acquired small sum of money I broke down and bought something for myself. It's something i really wanted and really needed. i bought a new journal. i used a coupon!!! ha! With the start of the new year I decided as I do every year that I need a new me. I'm using the journal to record the process.  I have a hundred journals filled with scribbles and doodles and notes and i hardly ever go back and read.  they all collect on my shelf. this journal is different. this one is a story. my story. my devotions, what God is doing in my life. Im alternating between my online blog which a small handfull of people read and my inner most thought in my brand spanking new journal.  there are just somethings that i can't say online. Like how i secretly love hilary duff. those are just things im not sure i want the world to know ;)

    so Ledge (My college minister) got me thinking. As i reflect on this year and i think about how God has molded me into a more godly woman. He has taken everything from me to show me that I don't need it and to deepen my faith.  With God chiseling away I decided that I would start my new year resolutions a little early.  Usually there is one or two things that i quickly think up and jot down on a post-it and stick it to my mirror. I decided to really think about it this year. What do I really want to change. What do i really want to do with the year of 2009.  This is what i came up with:

    1. Fall in love. with God.
    2. to be in continuous prayer
    3. To be a blessing to someone in anyway at least once a day
    4. to love myself
    5. to lose weigt (this is on my list every year)
    6. To go to Zimbabwe
    7. To see an African Giraffe
    8. To read my bible every single day
    9. Allow God to get blessings through me instead of to me
    10. To get out of debt or at least 1/2 way
    11. Save an animal
    12. Start a new hobby
    13. witness a miracle
    14. To be a miracle
    15. To start reading books and starting a library
    16. Stop gossiping
    17. To visit Reba and Jd
    18. To see my Mom
    19. Hug my brother
    20. Meet my niece and nephew
    21. To give to others as they have given so much to me this year
    22. Keep my license
    23. Get jim to come to church with me
    24. Find someway to repay heather and eric
    25. Walk on a beach
    Thats what i want to do with the year 2009. I'm gonna keep track of what i do and what i don't do.
    so feel free to hold me to it!! maybe i can knock them all out by february. HA!



Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Friday, 12 December 2008

  • How a little snow can shut down a city!!

    Ok mississippians.. come on.. really? I know I grew up in Iowa and we don't even consider it snow unless its at least ankle deep but seriously. I woke up this morning and lo and behold there were white clumps dropping from the sky.  It looked a little odd to me because I could never remember snow being that big.

    I opened the door and very shortly discovered it was slush. not snow. A nice slush lake had formed in the yard and the streets. ok.. no big deal. just a little slush. Roscoe had the time of his life outside today!! :) I got dressed and walked outside to my car to pull it in the driveway a little closer to the house so I could put my tire on. I got to the door and the next thing i knew slush was hitting me in the face and my bum was ice cold!! DANG IT!!  wouldn't ya know it!! i flippin slipped in the slush!! That hasn't happened to me in almost 10 years. I laughed so loud my neighbor came out and asked if I was ok.  I sat in the semi-frozen puddle for about 30 more seconds told him i was fine, got up and got in my car. yes i realize that now i have ice in my drivers seat because it got wet from my butt. my cold butt.

    i finally got the tire changed and went back inside to change for work.  I had a few errands to run before getting to work. I was driving to work and realized something was off. Everything was quiet. too quiet. there was nobody on the road. at all. not a soul. I got to the shopping center and there was not a single car in the parking lot. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! where is everyone. then i noticed that the entire shopping center was closed. every store! EVERY ONE!! I looked at the mall acroos the street. closed! ARE YOU SERIOUS!! ALL BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SNOW!! I turned on the radio to hear about schools being closed and cars driving 10 miles and hour down the street because they didn't know how to drive in sleet. THE WHOLE CITY HAS SHUT DOWN!! everything except for hobby lobby of course!! Of course amber's store is still open!!

    i get to work an hour early not having accomplished anything only to find out the every employee except for 12 had called in because of the weather. oh great... it's gonna be along night. well maybe not. we only had maybe 20 customers. i got alot of work done today. it's amazing how much work you get done when there are no customers bothering you or messing things up.

    i still just think it's strange how everyone freaked out over a little snow. it really wasn't a big deal. at all.

    but at least gas prices are $1.33. yeah.. just thought i would throw that in. be jealous!! i know you are!

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

  • I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... there they are squashed on the side of the road

    I forgot the world of retail during the holidays.  I forgot how people suddenly feel its ok to be rude and obnoxious just because it's the holidays. I thought Christmas was a time to put away our selfishness and to be holly and jolly. 'Tis the Season they say!!! I wish grown-ups believed in Santa and were fearful of being on the 'naughty list'. then just maybe they would be a little nicer. How does yelling at a cashier or making a huge dramatic scene in the electronic isle spread the cheer of christmas.  All we are doing as a society is creating Grinches and Scrooges. 

    I was replenshing christmas ornaments yesterday and this family was in the isle and they were all apparently upset because they couldn't find a baseball in the massive collection of ornaments on the wall. Honestly... I don't know how anybody could find anything on that wall. It really is just a wall with pegs in it and a thousand ornaments hung on it in no particular order or even the same two ornaments on one peg. half the ornaments are broken so if you manage to find two of the same ornaments you like; good look sticking your hand in there and getting the second one out. you are either gonna pull back a nub or you're gonna knock 50 ornaments to the floor ultimately spending whatever little stash you had saved up to buy your dear loved ones gifts. Tis the season! anywhoo.. family..ornament.. baseball.. angry.  I continued to put up the ornaments and easedrop on the family. i was timing it perfectly because i knew exactly where there were baseball ornaments but i wanted to wait and see what was gonna happen. *takes a seat and starts eating popcorn* The man suddenly became aware of his lack of ability to find 'the perfect ornament' but not bothering to ask the associate who literally was a foot away from him. i guess he had a christmas ornament hunting pride thing because he suddenly threw the ornament down at his family's feet.  Maybe he just hated snowmen.. because Frosty the snowman had without a doubt gone to be with Jesus in that moment and quickly whisked away by angels (aka housekeeping) to the nearest waste disposal. *sigh.. what a terrible way to go! He had so much to live for!

    "I'll be in the car!"  were the next words. aaaaaahhh such an example.  Such a role model. I stand to appluad the real man of genius. Thank-you overreacting christmas ornament slayer!! this one's for you!!!

    Mom, son, and little bitty daughter quietly walked to the next isle to look at christmas paper.  I decided it was time to reveal the baseballs.  I walked over grabbed the baseball ornaments and walked around the corner and was just out of eyesight of mom and son.  It's really not hard to get a child's attention. especially in the christmas section of a retail store. As I am typing this i suddenly realize how easy it would be to actually steal a child because i was able to lure this child away with no problem what-so-ever. anywhoo.. i got the little bitty ones attention.  I showed her the baseball ornament.  She looked at her brother and smiled. she reached out her little bitty hand and I gave her the baseball.  I stepped back and watched as she ran to her big brother and showed him the ornament.  A huge smile came to his face I don't think i have ever seen anyone quite as excited about a christmas ornament before. They grabbed some wrapping paper and the family walked to the check-out registers together.  the boy staring at his ornament as if he just had all his dreams come true.  I returned to my absolutely wonderful task of replenishing the ornaments.  I glanced over as the family was about to walk out the door.  The little girl looked my way and waved.  I waved back and they left.  I just hope the baseball made it home and escaped the evil clutches of the christmas ornament slayer!!


Tuesday, 09 December 2008

  • What do you want to be when you grow up?

    There has always been one answer to this question. A nurse. I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I remember. Of course I still have my days where I believe I was destined to be a famous singer and I put on a show in front of my mirror and use my hairbrush as a microphone and sing. R-E-S-P-E-C-T as loud as I possible can. Those days will be there until the day i die. :) At least my 'I wanna be a mermaid stage is over man... that was along 23 years. ;)

    When I think about childhood today especially my childhood a tear always finds it way to my eye. Children are robbed of their childhoods. I look at my city. so full of crime, so full of hate.  I think about the children who come on the vans to church.  The kids that nobody wants. They are rude, obnoxious, out of control, and are neglected by society. The only world they know is a violent one.  Where education doesn't matter, laws don't matter, the only thing that matters is the dollar and how they can get more.  Many of these kids live in drug houses, very few have fathers.  Some are just a government check that gets spent at the casino. Some are just a piece of property.  alot have been expelled from school for fighting and every single one of them have extreme baggage and pressure that they carry with them everyday. What do they want to be when they grow up? alive...

    I think about my own robbed childhood. Most of my adolescent/teenage years were spent wishing i was grown up so i could get the heck out of that house and away from those people. I just wanted to get to college. That was the day I would leave that world behind. I remember it like it was yesterday. I have never felt such freedom and such a sense of responsibility until that day.  I knew that from that point on I was by myself. I had nobody to help me, I had nobody but myself to lean on. Every decision i would make would be made on my own.  some decisions have been good and some have been very VERY bad.

    The holidays are always such a bad time for me.  Thats usually when I fight depression the most.  While everyone scurries around to buy presents and getting excited to spend time with family i remember how alone I am. I remember the countless christmas' where i wasn't included.  I remember the sadness that came with that.  Another lonely christmas comes and goes. I usually end up spending christmas with a friend and that never helps. I get 'the look' the pity look. the 'i can't believe this young woman is alone on christmas look' I guess i have gotten use to it over the years. Helping the homeless at the holidays has helped alot.  Those are people i can relate too.

    So what do you want to be when you grow up?
       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Friday, 05 December 2008

  • The Memory Remains

    Have I mentioned God convicting me of myself and transforming me into himself? Just in case I haven't here it goes.

    Since this whole nightmare began. hhmm let's see how long has it been now? it will be 6 months tomorrow. I keep telling myself everything's gonna be ok. God is in control. for five of those months i had no job sending my credit and financial status down, down, down, to the center of the earth. where i am slowly starting to crawl towards the surface with miles and miles and miles to go.

    Since June my life spiriled downward rather rapidly with a few added punches here and there. such as my endless car trouble, my cousin loosing her baby, both of my grandparents dying a week apart, my other cousin getting married and i couldn't go, my brother moving, my sister coming out of the closet, finding out a dark family secret, and the list could go on forever..

    im not angry at God, i'm really not. i kind of am at the point where i just want to know whats going on.  I hide behind my strength, i put up a 'everything's gonna be ok' front. when the truth is. I don't know if everythings gonna be ok. I don't cry everyday anymore. and getting very small paychecks has relieved it some but not much. i feel like there is a mountain of financial stuff and im barely scratching the surface. like i'm trying to pay a million dollar debt with ten dollars and fifty cents.  I desperately miss being a nurse. i have run into fellow nurses, former nursing students, and family members of patients that i have taken care of.  I immediately find the nearest isolated place and cry my eyes out. It's the only thing i have ever wanted to be. I am beginning to wonder if thats what God wanted me to be. it's slowly starting to fade from my lifestyle. almost like it never happened, but then i see a patient's family member or a nurse and the memory remains.

    i miss it so much.. but now i wonder if i could ever enter that world again. what do i do with my life now? when everything you have ever wanted to be and when you have worked your whole life for something and then its gone. what do you do? whats the next step?
     
    The last six months have changed me more than anything ever has. God has taken me and shown me to rely on him, to trust in him, and has shown me myself. he has shown me that i don't love others or even like others. He showed me my selfishness and a couple of weeks ago he showed me that my tongue is my most dangerous weapon. that I tear people down and I create so much destruction to Christ's image by MY tongue.

    Now that God has shaken me and gotten ahold of me about my gossiping, my constant need to complain and to talk about people he has shown me that the reason why i do that is because i don't like myself and tear people down because it makes me feel important and makes me feel better. about a month ago i was complaining about a friend and not knowing my friend was in ear shot right around the corner. well... needless to say i really hurt their feelings and this friend has done nothing to me EVER!! has shown me so much love and support and unconditional friendship and i did that to them. for no reason whatsoever. so after the loyalty and the bonds of friendship were severed and after a brief apology im still working on building this friendship back up. but its always there. at least to me anyway. it's always staring at me in the face.  its a constant reminder of the damage that my tongue can cause.

    my tongue is nowhere near under control but the awareness is there.  When i start to say something the Holy Spirit just shuts me off. If i do slip up I immediately apologize to whoever i said it to and end the conversation.  The awareness is always around me and every where I go people are talking about somebody. it's everywhere... and now there is such an awareness of it in my heart that it makes me nauseous.  When before I couldn't wait to hear the latest gossip and what people biggest complaints are.  Now I have to leave the room immediately.  It makes me sad but a part of me still wants to hear and I have to physically make myself leave the room. baby steps.. amber.. baby steps.

    so God is dealing with my tongue and my love for others. Yesterday i was thinking while i was trying to change a flat tire on the interstate. why is all the happening? what did i do to you Lord that you send these things my way? that i can't catch a break.  a few moments later this is what He told me: "you don't pray to me, you don't read my word!! how can i tell you what i want you to do if you don't read your bible? oh you tithe, but you don't do it cheerfully, you hate tithing, your SELFISH! everything is always about you, you're a liar! you're a gossip! you are NOT THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE!"

    i finally got home and realized that i am living in disobedience.  God is definitely trying to get my attention and he has so much better for me.  He is greater than my career, he is above all this. he is consumed with me. all he wants is for me to be consumed with him. so.. one step at a time. thats all i can do.

Spiritualhigh777

  • Visit Spiritualhigh777's Xanga Site
    • Name: Amber Corinne
    • Country: United States
    • State: Mississippi
    • Metro: Jackson
    • Birthday: 5/4/1984
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/13/2005

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