Today God reached into my heart and spoke to me. I spent the weekend in a ladies retreat. I really didn't expect much but was excited to fellowship with my friends. I enjoy worshiping the Lord and I enjoy meeting new people. Everything was going well until the last moments of the conference. That's when God got a hold of me. Just as a pattern in my life, God tends to get my attention, shows me myself, I get very emotional, I understand that I AM THE PROBLEM, not everyone around me. But then the feeling just floats away almost like it never happened. It happens all the time. it just leaves me. I'm praying that is not whats going to happen this time. That this would be the beginning of the rest of my life with God. Only time will tell.
I want radical. I want to be a woman that God performs miracles through. I want spiritual things to happen to me, I want God to use me. I want to heal people with prayer, i want God to speak to me. I want to be a vessel for God. but i feel like im in this rut, this spiritual hole. this stagnation. Im not growing, I can't get over my own crap, I whine and complain that God doesn't speak to me. that he doesn't bless me, that i am the forgotten child. God's red-headed step child. That consistently just gets in the way and messes things up. It's better for me to just stay in my room and play with my toys.
Why can't i just get over my whininess?
why can't i be filled with joy and happiness?
why am I so miserable all the time?
Why can't i just be happy with what i have?
why do i complain about everything?
Why do i take everything so personal?
Why do I feel so wounded all the time?
Why am I so sensitive that people can't even talk to me or around me without me getting upset or angry?
Why do I talk about people?
why can't i stop?
When is enough enough?
Why am I so short tempered?
Why am I so impatient?
Why does God love me so much?
Why can't I feel it?
Isaiah says, 53:6, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on his servant the sins of us all.” I was reminded this weekend that I am like a little lamb. I try to get out there on my own. experience this life for myself. I am not listening to my shepards voice who is guiding me towards our final destination. I want to go this way and frolic that way.. walk straight into the path of wolves out of the sight of my shepard. where i am sure to be devored and eaten. Their purpose is to 'kill, steal, and destroy'
but i keep prancing around and going my own way. away from his voice and away from the herd. My shepperd time after time comes and rescues me from the wolves and directs me back to the herd and in the right direction but sure enough i wonder off time and time and time and time again. My sheperd, my dear shepard, with tears in his eyes comes over to me, flips me on my back. I just stare in confusion, wiggle, try to break free, scream and hollar for help. He takes me leg and breaks it with one smooth motion. Pain shoots from my body. Why did he do that? why would he do that to me? In the midst of my greatest pain, i stare at my shepard in confusion, in anger, and terror, but then with tears still in his eyes he takes my broken leg, he sets that bone and I have never felt more pain that in that moment. My body limp from exhaustion and agony, he takes that broken leg and he splints it. He wraps it, and then he picks my limp body up and carries me because I can no longer walk on my own. I can no longer wander off, I am no longer in the path of wolves. As my leg heals, my shepperd carries me on his back. Weeks roll by and I am safe and secure in the arms of the shepperd. I am protected and watched over, and nursed back to health. His loving arms are wrapped around me. As my strength returns. He gently sets me down. He pats me on the back and encourages me to take a few steps. I can only take a few before i run out of energy. too tired to continue, he picks me back up and carries me a little further..
He puts me down again and each day I go a little farther and eventually I can walk on my own once again. But one thing is certain. I never leave my shepperd's side again. I no longer hear anything but his voice, his guidance, his direction. I follow his voice because i know that I am safe in His presence because he carried me when I could not carry myself and even though i didn't understand the pain.. He was in control and he loves me, deeply and truly, he would never let me go astray.
"The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." John 10: 2-5
Comments (1)
I will be praying for you that God gives you direction in your walk with Him! That you may be brighter than before and continue to trust in Him and know that He is always in control even when you think He is the furthest from you, is really when He is the closets!..........In Christ's Love...Monic