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Another day in Yorkshire

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 05:27:48 GMT

The houses in \yorkshire are very close together. and there are cars parked everywhere, in the street, on the sidewalks, anywhere you could squeeze a tiny european car. There are so many people living in small areas. \The neighborhoods look like sardines. The people are not very friendly. They talk to you but don't really want too.

Saturday it rained all day. They had a 'bouncy castle' for the youth and finished the tournaments. We decided to take a tour of the city and actually ran into on of the youths moms. This women reminded me of the men at the christ house. She dealt with the same struggles, the same addictions, the same heartaches that those men have. Entagled in alcohol, she has twelve children and is very unstable. Her son is Joe, a boy, we have grown very attached to and has so much potential but any kind of stress or anxiety makes him regress into a childlike/toddler behavior. The affects of alcohol on this home is enormous. This women, Susan, talked to us about her struggles as a christian or rather her reasons for not being a christian. It was the same old thing... excuses to not wanting to change her lifestyle, to want to reward of heaven withouth the repentence of her sin. We spent the afternoon with this woman and ministering to her. God sent this woman to us because we were able to meet and talk with people we would not have been able to talk to had she not come our way. She opened the door of opportunity for us.

Saturday night was a barbeque on the church grounds. i was very happy to see susan come and bring some friends. They served us our hamburgers and \i couldn't help but laugh when i got mine. It was the smallest cheeseburger i had ever seen. it was about the size of a sausage patty. hahaha! the baked potato was maybe the size of two ping pong balls. I most definitely took a picture of it. Oh america and our huge portion sizes. \i have come to realize that Yorkshire's don't use napkins, salt, or ice. Their food is very bland and very small portion sizes. Bless Ruth for her kindness to us, she drives us by the store everynight so we can get some groceries so we don't hurt anyone's feelings.

Sunday morning we got up early and went to the 'car boot' sale. Cars were lined up in three isles and it was an intense yard sale. kind of like a flea market. Nothing but junk, but there were people everywhere. We set up a booth on the very end down the middle isle. We walked around and talked with the people shopping and that had set up booths. I was walking around and noticed a table where a man was selling books on spirituality. books of spells, books of witchcraft and supernatural. I took a deep breath and found the courage to strike up a conversation, even though i knew this would would dangerous ground for me spiritually. Phillipians 4:13 is inscribed on my bracelet. Whenever my past hits me in the face i find strength in the verse on my bracelet that i wear everyday. I started talking with this man and he immediately picked up on my past and the spiritual warfare between us began. We began to discuss witchcraft and the different Gods he worshipped, much of the same Gods i use to worship, i tried to appease. After about a half an hour of trying to share Jesus with this man, i knew i had to leave. i had to walk away because i when it comes to that area of my past, i have to protect myself.

I walked down to our booth where to group was singing hymns and proclaiming God in the middle of this boot sale. I smiled as i looked at the 'team of ten' The light in the darkness. after a couple of hours we headed back to the church where we got to be part of the morning service. A truly great experience. Diedre, Sara, and Maegan did a fantastic job dancing to 'None but Jesus' We had a great morning in the Lord and had the most fantastic lunch!!

We went street witnessing later that afternoon. As we walked down the street we sang hymns and chris played his guitar, the people started to come out to see what all the noise was. a small group walked around and talked with people. The devil immediately made himself known. We got to know the kids, talk with their parents, and share our life experiences and our faith. We just went down one street but God was with us. I was really nervous about street evangalism at first and it still makes me nervous. it's definitely out of my comfort zone but God was glorified. Even through my weakness and my fears.

I shared a bried testimony at the service that night. Something i need to do more of. After the service was over several people came up to me that have similar pasts as my own. It was great meeting my brother's and sister's that have walked in my shoes, that have lived with the same emotions, the same feelings, the same walk i have walked. i was encouraged and strengthened. Our testimonies are powerful things. I often forget that.

We went for Indian food that night. it was amazing!! so good!! i can't wait to get home and eat more of it!! hahaha! We are off to the Sherwood forest this morning and i'm so excited!!! tomorrow we head back to London and that makes me sad.

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Short update from London!

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:00:02 GMT

Friday night we arrived in Yorkshire. After many traffic delays, the 'team of ten' were finally to the mission field. We were met by about 20 or so boys. John, the pastor, is absolutely amazing. He can go up to anyone, from any walk of life, and witness to them. \incredible. God has humbled me alot in the past few days.

Sorry, its two in the morning so this post is going to be very random. One thing we noticed right away is the boys are actually typical 12 year old boys. They are a little rowdy but they are good kids. The girls on the other hand.... There are about 5 12-year-old girls that go to this church and they look and act like 20 year olds. They are so much more advance than the boys. They hang and throw themselves on the boys, who want nothing to do with them, so they hang all over every man the see. They are dark and they are angry. They are TROUBLE. These girls hate on each other, i can't believe they are even friends because they treat each other so badly. They all had black hair with blond highlights and gothic makeup. They want absolutely nothing to do with us and make that very clear. They break my heart.. One girl in particular, her name is Sherri. \i'm not sure why she has been on my heart this whole time. Everytime i approached her, she would just roll her eyes, say something whitty and walk away. She is filled with rage and is so robbed of happiness. I have yet to see her smile or even to see a spark in her dead eyes. The contrast between the boys and the girls is so amazing. It's like night and day. Some of these boys, well of them really, come from broken, large families. The church is set in the poor part of town, much like our trailer parks. There are no fathers around. These moms are addicted to everything and these boys carry the weight of the world on them.

We have yet to run into one married person. \not a single person in that church or in that community is married. It was quite strange.

There was a man from Malasia named Felix that also came this week. There is also an English missionary from \malasia and an African from Kenya that serve in the church we have been working with. Two amazing men. Only God can bring so many people from all over the world in one setting, with one goal. To reach the lost city of Dennington.

Friday night was a 'ping-pong' and 'pool' tournament for the youth. We had alot of fun hanging out with the boys and getting to know them. Over the last few days we have gotten to know these kids and have fallen in love with most of them. Maegan, Deidre, Amanda, and I are staying with Ruth. In her three story house in Yorkshire. It was a beautiful home and we have been treated very well. She is alot of fun and just sits and listens to 'the americans' talk. A very Godly woman and a blessing in our lives right now.

We experienced our first 'prayer meeting'. It was very different. Everyone takes turn and there is a constant chanting and prayers being lifted up all at once. When the say 'amen' that doesn't necessarily mean that the prayer is over. an hour and half later our prayer meeting was fniished. I could hear tongues and their prayers are so different than ours. It was true prayer... TRULY TRULY praying. it was incredible. for the first time in my life i witnessed real prayer. i felt the power of prayer. i could feel strength behind the prayers. it sent chills up and down my back. but it was entirely to long. i think if i got use to it, it wouldn't have been so bad. but it taught me alot about how \i should pray.

We went to our first pub. It's not what i thought it was going to be. It was a restuarant. there weren't drunk people being loud and obnoxious anywhere. It was like applebee's. only not.

im going to finish this later...

Day one in London!

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 11:40:56 GMT

We have arrived to beautiful weather. Not to hot and not to cold! I immediately noticed how quiet people are around here. People mainly stick to themselves. There are no loud obnoxious cell phone talkers, large groups of people keep their conversation down. While walking through the city it was generally quiet. No loud blaring music through the malls, large groups of young people were not obnoxiously hanging out everywhere. I have also noticed that people are not as friendly and generally are not as nice as they are back home. There is no 'holding doors open', nobody would ever stop to help an old lady get groceries to her car. Chivalry is not as recognized here as back home. It's barely recognized at home.

this truly is a 'melting pot' All food has twelve different labels for all the different languages the people speak. I really didn't realize there would be a huge language and cultural barrier but there is. I don't understand half of what people are saying to me and they most definitely don't understand me. I asked for a 'to-go' box at the restaurant yesterday and got looked at like I was an insane person that just escaped the nut house!

Yesterday was spent dragging our suitcases through London and on several hundred million trains that eventually took us to the hotel. My whole body is soar from the seven hour walking adventure we took yesterday. HAHA! I have never walked so much. It's definitely hard to stay together as a group and not get split up with 14 suitcases trying to cram on these trains. The guys have done a great job looking out for us. Our group got split up one time so far but everything ended up just fine. I'm very grateful that they have almost taken pride in making sure we stay safe and we are never alone. They are our 'angels' looking out for us! It definitely has been an adventure so far.

36 hours with no sleep! We struggled to stay awake so God could use us today for effectively. We have all rested well and we are headed North for the next five days. We are meeting up with the church and hopefully we can be a huge encouragement to them. Im praying for their safety because they are already almost two hours late in picking us up from the hotel. (This keyboard is very strange, sorry for the typos)

The city of London is absolutely beautiful. The buildings are huge. Buckingham palace was really cool. We have met several people and hopefully we have been a light everywhere we have gone!

God has already been working in our lives and in the lives of the people of this city! The devil has tried his best to tear us down. Everything from the group getting split up, to our train tickets not working, to our hotel manager taking on extra charges. Everywhere we have gone there has been a person who has shown us extreme kindness in the midst of people 'not being so kind to us' God has sent angels every step of the way to guide us and to support us. My prayer is that God watches over our finances. I know we will be fine. We are all in good spirits and are very excited about heading North today. We are a little tired but renewed and ready to go!

Our friends have arrived and they are wonderful!! talk to you all soon! We love y'all very much and we are praying for southside!!! God Bless! pray for a safe journey!

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I get knocked down but i get up again..

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:03:30 GMT

You know the feeling you get when you almost get side-swiped but don't? That rush.. that intense adrenaline.. the profanity that comes immediately to your head that somebody dared to come into your path!! The quick relief when it's over and you realize everything is fine.. but you are extremely cautious of every vehicle that will come in your path for the rest of the day or at least the rest of that hour.

that's what i feel like my life has been lately. something comes along and almost crashed into me, knocked me down.. but barely escaped. Now i'm on pins and needles.. critiquing anyone and everyone that comes in my path... what are they up to? is this going to cause damage? maybe i should just change lanes and let them pass me on by. I figured out what I am.. a sabatoger.

When people have had many unpleasant experiences they will ruin anything good that comes into their life. They just can't help it. They don't deserve it... They can't handle it... Why should anything good happen to me? what have i done? nothing.   Something good comes into my life or someone and i find someway... something... anything.. to find wrong with it and why it just wont work out. Any little thing would convince me that 'this isn't right' and it has to end. Instead of toughing out problems and working through them. I do what i learned as a child to do, I avoid them, run away from them, and ignore them and eventually all things will come to an end. I am the best runner away from problems. If things get tough with friends and to dramatic.. i move... i start over..   A relationship gets to involved.. i end it.. usually by long drawn out methods of self-inflicting torture. Convincing myself that it's not me.. it's them.

i'm afraid i'll wake up one day and realize that i'm a flake. there's nothing to me.. a shallow, empty, fat girl with serious trust and commitment issues. Why can't I just let go? It doesn't take much. Just one little thing that sends me downward. Most people have healthy up and down emtional swings. i'm at a constant middle low. It takes constant good things to bring me up to a normal 'happy'. But one little thing, even a minor thing sends me crashing down, down, down, down. and the depression begins. That's where I find God waiting for me with loving arms to wrap me up in. He meets me there. often. and slowly we make our way through the mud.. through the rain.. to dry land.

Over time.. the period of these depressions has grown farther apart and they seem to be shorter. but i fear that they will always be with me, a constant thorn in my side. What i do with this 'good thing' that may or may not happen? How do I trust enough to let go of my insecurities. Lord, i don't want to sabatoge this. Help me! Even if it hurts, i have to try...

I feel my job is threatened. And that scares the mess out me. Of course i can never actually admit this outloud to anyone. They are making major cut backs, cutting back hours, but demanding more work. I am stretched thin... bitter and angry at work most of the time.. but grateful to have a job. desperately clinging on to my job because there are not many out there if i lose this one. I have to do a good job!! i have too! I have to stand out or i may lose my job. Im stressed but not the kind of stress I felt when i was a 'nurse'. this is not people's lives i'm dealing with. It's just retail. but it pays the bills.. it's the only thing paying the bills. my boss' boss' boss' boss came in today and was not pleased with the way things were being run, did not hesitate to say so. Sending panic through the workplace. They have already let go so many people. for minor little things. Good, hard working people who have been there for years.

I feel very alone. Like I don't have anyone to talk to. I think most of this stems from the large amount of time i have spent by myself in the last couple of weeks due to my hours being dramatically cut. I will be spending the weekend by myself as well. I have been praying for a friend, somebody to talk to, somebody to hang out with, to pray with, to fellowship with, and found one even for a short while. That friendship is being tested and stretched... and now is nearing impossible.    I was so grateful to have somebody to spend time with because the Lord knows I need people in my life even if it's for a short while. I know that I am never alone, Christ lives in me, and I love that Christ lives in me. I don't know how to put it into words exactly. I know i'm not alone. :) I just get lonely sometimes. not like the 'i need a husband lonely' i don't really get that way.. but just lonely. I am grateful for the dog. He helps. alot. big smelly dog.

I'm working on not saying 'but' I love Christ but.... I am a christian but... I need to remove all the 'buts' HAHAHAHA in my life. I love God. PERIOD!!! not buts!!

I need patience to deal with the new good thing that may or may not happen. I want to rush, i want to know, i want everything now!! but i have to wait, be patient, and just..... trust.. this is entirely new and different for me. It's a growing process and i'm going to kick and scream the whole time. but it wont make a difference. I still have to be patient.      ah *sigh* life's hardest lession. patience.

Why i am just as dumb as a lamb

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 03:04:42 GMT

Today God reached into my heart and spoke to me. I spent the weekend in a ladies retreat. I really didn't expect much but was excited to fellowship with my friends. I enjoy worshiping the Lord and I enjoy meeting new people. Everything was going well until the last moments of the conference. That's when God got a hold of me. Just as a pattern in my life, God tends to get my attention, shows me myself, I get very emotional, I understand that I AM THE PROBLEM, not everyone around me. But then the feeling just floats away almost like it never happened. It happens all the time. it just leaves me. I'm praying that is not whats going to happen this time. That this would be the beginning of the rest of my life with God. Only time will tell.

I want radical. I want to be a woman that God performs miracles through. I want spiritual things to happen to me, I want God to use me. I want to heal people with prayer, i want God to speak to me. I want to be a vessel for God. but i feel like im in this rut, this spiritual hole. this stagnation. Im not growing, I can't get over my own crap, I whine and complain that God doesn't speak to me. that he doesn't bless me, that i am the forgotten child. God's red-headed step child. That consistently just gets in the way and messes things up. It's better for me to just stay in my room and play with my toys.

Why can't i just get over my whininess?
why can't i be filled with joy and happiness?
why am I so miserable all the time?
Why can't i just be happy with what i have?
why do i complain about everything?
Why do i take everything so personal?
Why do I feel so wounded all the time?
Why am I so sensitive that people can't even talk to me or around me without me getting upset or angry?
Why do I talk about people?
why can't i stop?
When is enough enough?
Why am I so short tempered?
Why am I so impatient?
Why does God love me so much?
Why can't I feel it?

Isaiah says, 53:6, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on his servant the sins of us all.”

I was reminded this weekend that I am like a little lamb. I try to get out there on my own. experience this life for myself. I am not listening to my shepards voice who is guiding me towards our final destination. I want to go this way and frolic that way.. walk straight into the path of wolves out of the sight of my shepard. where i am sure to be devored and eaten. Their purpose is to 'kill, steal, and destroy'

but i keep prancing around and going my own way. away from his voice and away from the herd. My shepperd time after time comes and rescues me from the wolves and directs me back to the herd and in the right direction but sure enough i wonder off time and time and time and time again. My sheperd, my dear shepard, with tears in his eyes comes over to me, flips me on my back. I just stare in confusion, wiggle, try to break free, scream and hollar for help. He takes me leg and breaks it with one smooth motion. Pain shoots from my body. Why did he do that? why would he do that to me? In the midst of my greatest pain, i stare at my shepard in confusion, in anger, and terror, but then with tears still in his eyes he takes my broken leg, he sets that bone and I have never felt more pain that in that moment. My body limp from exhaustion and agony, he takes that broken leg and he splints it. He wraps it, and then he picks my limp body up and carries me because I can no longer walk on my own. I can no longer wander off, I am no longer in the path of wolves. As my leg heals, my shepperd carries me on his back. Weeks roll by and I am safe and secure in the arms of the shepperd. I am protected and watched over, and nursed back to health. His loving arms are wrapped around me. As my strength returns. He gently sets me down. He pats me on the back and encourages me to take a few steps. I can only take a few before i run out of energy. too tired to continue, he picks me back up and carries me a little further..

He puts me down again and each day I go a little farther and eventually I can walk on my own once again. But one thing is certain. I never leave my shepperd's side again. I no longer hear anything but his voice, his guidance, his direction. I follow his voice because i know that I am safe in His presence because he carried me when I could not carry myself and even though i didn't understand the pain.. He was in control and he loves me, deeply and truly, he would never let me go astray.

"The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." John 10: 2-5

15 Minutes of Fame.. or not

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:30:24 GMT

A reporter from the Clarion Ledger interviewed me the other day on "my thoughts about O'Bama and his quest to stimulate the economy and whether i thought he would succeed or not" I got to truly sit down with this woman and express my beliefs about America and it's rebellion against God. How it doesn't matter who is in the White House, Until God is head of this country it will continue to decline. It may get better temporarily but it only temporarily. So i went on and on and eventually the reporter stopped writing. She was just listening. She contined to ask me questions about this and that. I could tell by the look in her face that she wasn't expecting those words to come out of my mouth. She asked me what I did "i'm just a cashier in a retail store" She asked for my picture and I said. "No way hosea!" i was not dressed to have my picture in the paper. she left disappointed because she couldn't run the story without my picture which i think was silly. now i'm wondering if i made the right decision.

I've had a terrible week of confrontation with myself. Truths have been revealed and feelings have been hurt. Will i ever get over this superficial nonsense to be used radically by God? Why must i continue to do the same crap over and over. Why can't i just not do it? I can't grow spiritually because I'm in the way! It's really frustrating and disappointing. I do what I always do when things get bad. I'm itching to run.. I have contemplated moving several times this week. Just start over somewhere else. Everyday it looks better and better. The hard part is actually staying put and riding it out. I have run to much and for to long. It never changes, i'm always there.. with my same old crap. my selfishness, my lack of ability to love others, my complaining bitter spirit, my drama, just in a different zip code.

The Woman who knew to little.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:28:59 GMT

Recently a great man in my life made me think about my own life. (which hasn't been hard to do lately but this really struck me) I always feel like this man is talking directly to me and he is secretly a Hero and can read my mind. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! but no.. actually stay in there because everytime you teach you affect my life so i guess you can stay. like a parasite. well no actually because parasites do not bring any benefit to their host and can actually harm their host.. stay tuned for the next episode of Discovery Planet where we will learn about the different layers of the ozone.

He compared our lives to that of a 'guitar player' but not any guitar player. the guitar players that think they are guitar players because they can play three cords and three songs. Everytime they get near a guitar they pick it up and play the same song and how it gets super annoying. They don't take the time to learn their instrument they don't spend their friday and saturday nights mastering their craft. years roll by and they can still only play those three cords and the same three songs. They are always playing the 'same old tune' never anything new. Eventually their guitar gets put up and just becomes something they use to do or something they get out every once in awhile. This is how christians look to the world sometime. We are singing the same old tune. We never grow spiritually. we get out our bibles everyonce in awhile and the world never sees any change. They never see any growth. We know our 'three songs' very well. we know our few scriptures very well and that is enough for us to say that yes we are a christian because we can play 'three cords'

As I turn and look at my own guitar sitting in the corner of my room and can't help but think of how true that is for me. I go in spurts. i am very dedicated and obedient for almost three weeks and then it fizzles and then i go back to exactly the way i was. Recently my life was shook upside down by the truth. My eyes were open to my lack of love for others and my selfishness and my constant complaining and the need to tear others down so i can build myself up. I was changed after that. i was no longer the same woman!! i left that confrontation broken and devastated and sick over the person i had become. My new me was going very well for awhile but now i see her coming to the surface. I had slipped back into my old ways because of my lack of discipline to keep her subdued. (i tried to silence her with chocolate but she got out of control) so now im back at square one. God is trying to deepen my faith and make me grow but im doing the same old thing everyday. i can't get passed them, i can't grow because i'm still a baby who needs milk and can't get onto more solid food.

So I haave decided (well actually a friend decided for me haha) that I need accountability partner/partners. not just anyone but people who are better than me spiritually. people that can look at me and tell me the truth that are not doing the same thing as me. Honestly when he told us to get accountability partners I couldn't think of anyone to ask. Not that I think that I'm so great and everyone is beneath me but i just don't know anyone that isn't my equal. I look at the people in my life and I feel like we are all at the same level. I'm going to pray about it and wait.

I am off to keep the evil Amber subdued. maybe I will try ice cream this time.. :)

New Year Resolutions

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:01:21 GMT

I'm looking forward to the new year. This year hasn't been the greatest so I'm looking forward to it being over. I do have a confession.. With my newly acquired small sum of money I broke down and bought something for myself. It's something i really wanted and really needed. i bought a new journal. i used a coupon!!! ha! With the start of the new year I decided as I do every year that I need a new me. I'm using the journal to record the process. I have a hundred journals filled with scribbles and doodles and notes and i hardly ever go back and read. they all collect on my shelf. this journal is different. this one is a story. my story. my devotions, what God is doing in my life. Im alternating between my online blog which a small handfull of people read and my inner most thought in my brand spanking new journal. there are just somethings that i can't say online. Like how i secretly love hilary duff. those are just things im not sure i want the world to know ;)

so Ledge (My college minister) got me thinking. As i reflect on this year and i think about how God has molded me into a more godly woman. He has taken everything from me to show me that I don't need it and to deepen my faith. With God chiseling away I decided that I would start my new year resolutions a little early. Usually there is one or two things that i quickly think up and jot down on a post-it and stick it to my mirror. I decided to really think about it this year. What do I really want to change. What do i really want to do with the year of 2009. This is what i came up with:

Fall in love. with God.
to be in continuous prayer
To be a blessing to someone in anyway at least once a day
to love myself
to lose weigt (this is on my list every year)
To go to Zimbabwe
To see an African Giraffe
To read my bible every single day
Allow God to get blessings through me instead of to me
To get out of debt or at least 1/2 way
Save an animal
Start a new hobby
witness a miracle
To be a miracle
To start reading books and starting a library
Stop gossiping
To visit Reba and Jd
To see my Mom
Hug my brother
Meet my niece and nephew
To give to others as they have given so much to me this year
Keep my license
Get jim to come to church with me
Find someway to repay heather and eric
Walk on a beach

Thats what i want to do with the year 2009. I'm gonna keep track of what i do and what i don't do.
so feel free to hold me to it!! maybe i can knock them all out by february. HA!

Christmas Pics. so far

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:26:55 GMT

Here are some pics from my roommate's christmas tree.

Enjoy..

If you could put any three laws into effect, what would they be and why?

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:50:50 GMT

I would make it illegal to put any bans on healthcare insurance whatsoever. anybody can have it regardless of their age, or current health condition.

i would make it illegal to for healthcare organizations to turn away anyone seeking medical treatment that doesn't have insurance.

I would make casinos, strip joints, dannys, chippendals, etc.. illegal. who wants to see a 50 year old stripper anyway?

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